Yesterday after our “early release” from work, I met up with my family at the Bloomingdale’s Zoo. The female shoppers were plowing me over on both sides like baboons. Thank you, senoritas. Please go back to the Prada cage from whence you came. Much appreciated. After seeing everything I wanted was $300+, I was ready to head on. We went back to my place expecting to be greeted by the arrival of our Jive Turkey. Sweet Doorman greeted us, stating nope, no turkey had come. Hmmmm.

Let’s think about this. Turkey was ordered a MONTH ago. We were told there was no option other than for the bird to come either the 20th or 21st. Ok, fine. Yesterday being the 22nd was the max, so clearly if it didn’t come Tuesday then Wednesday was the day. Or so you’d think. J/k. Soon my mom was on her cellphone to Jive, perpetually on hold, and I was talking with DHL.

My favorite was that according to Jive Turkey’s website, I was supposed to call DHL to track the herb-ed bird and with only my address in hand, they were supposed to be able to magically pull up said bird. Um sorry Jive. Doesn’t work that way honies. After insisting (AKA pushing lots of buttons) even after the machine voice told me repeatedly they were closed for Thanksgiving, I finally reached a live body. They’re DHL, for goodness sake. They have to be DHLing from one side of the city to the other at the holidays and yep, problems folks, they come with that.

The lady was really nice though. She patiently looked from just about every angle after I told her that no, the business was too stupid to tell us a tracking number so we could perhaps be self-sufficient. End result? She told me they did show 11 turkeys coming from Jive Turkey in Brooklyn to Manhattan. Eleven?!?

“Clearly someone screwed up here,” I told her. “There’s no way only eleven were ordered for all of Manhattan. That’s nuts!!!”

Meanwhile, my mom was firing off emails to Jive Turkey at warp speed, including titles such as “EMERGENCY NO DELIVERY” and my personal favorite – “ANSWER YOUR PHONE!”. We finally gave up on the jive and headed to the dependable, reliable, and ever-present D’Agostino to try to find what scraps of meat might be available. We were greeted by a virtual smorgasbord of turkeys!! Score. The worker over there said he was embarrassed to live so close to Jive. “They’re tarnishing the good name of Brooklyn!” he exclaimed. We grabbed a turkey breast like we’d won the prize o’ the evening, pleased that Jive Turkey wasn’t de-jiving our Thanksgiving.

Fast forward to 10:30PM…
Ring ring…

I will admit to not answering calls when I don’t know the number. Somehow when I saw the “718” area code, I knew this one was worthwhile to answer. Mmmm. Guess who? Jive Turkey. Yadda, yadda, yadda… “Oh yes, we did get your order…” yadda, yadda, yadda… “We most definitely did ship your turkey through DHL. We’re so sorry they seem to have lost it…” yadda, yadda, yadda… “We have the confirmation number here” (oh really? glad YOU do)… yadda, yadda, yadda… “We will have it there tomorrow betwee 9 and 10 AM. We’re so sorry for the mix-up…”

So this morning at 9:50AM, turkey number two arrived. And with it, a complementary pie of sorts. Still TBD if it’s pumpkin or sweet potato pie. Turkey #1 (really #2 since it was not the one we were planning on) has now gone to it’s home in the freezer and Turkey #2 (really #1) is sitting pretty, ready to be consumed. The superfluous pie is now numero tres in the line-up for the day.

So sorry Jive Turkey. I’m pleased the bird came, and the guy who delivered it was mighty pleasant. But don’t lie to me. The lady the night before was clearly singing a pretty tune to try to make us feel a little kinder, but I don’t buy that this one is the fault of DHL. No, no, no, no. This Bama gal ain’t dumb.

Quality of the bird? TBD. I’ll assess and part two shall follow…

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